fearless

Thanksgiving was really good. Probably one of the best I've ever had really. When I was younger, I was always awkward going over to my Dad's side of the family I think just because I didn't know them that well and they didn't know me that well and I was just always closer to my Mom's side of the family and blah blah. And the past years we've had to put with the wicked step-mother, but she's gone now hallejuah! (i'm sure I spelled that wrong :/ ) But Mindi having me in her wedding helped alot in bringing me closer to that side of the family and I'm actually comfortable around them now :] But anyways, ate lunch at my house with my Granddaddy and Grandmommie Sharon (and Barbara and David of course) and then took a small nap and went to Jana's and waited on Meago and then ate againnn and just sat around and then we all played a game called "cranium" - best game ever! It's fun :] and those chocolate drinks that Dusty made were yuummmmmy :] And we all went out to the Piano Bar that Saturday.. bahaha. Got alittle drunk. But I had a blast :] It was kind of funny going into work still kinda drunk, bahaha

So I guess after Thanksgiving and working that weekend, I just got to the point where I was like I can't stand the Candy Wrapper because come Monday I had the hardest time wanting to go to work, but I did. And I was just like almost kind of disgusted walking in the store, idk why. But Barbara caught on to my mood and asked what was up and I just simply told her "I don't want to be here" and so I got to go home and thank the lode I did because if I hadn't, I probably would've had about like 3040989843294 fits. So I ran a couple of errands, got me some donuts and went home and took a nice longggg nap :] And then went to class which was the last class and then spent 6 hours in the library that night working on that dumb portfolio. The next day (tues) was quite interesting... So I had that portfolio due at 11:00 and I had already worked 6 hours on it and was just ready to get it over with.. So I woke up early to print everything off at home and the printer decides its "on vacation" that day. UGH! SO I got ready and went to my bus stop and got on the bus and rode to campus, got off at the SUB and as soon as I stepped off I realized I forgot my memory stick with all my portfolio stuff on it.. in my car. UGH! So I got right back on and e-mailed my teacher with my first class of the day and told her what was going on (as if it was some kind of crisis) and rode all the way back to my car and was just like "you know what? I'm just going to go to work and print this off because I know it will work there and I'm not going to take the risk of going somewhere where I know it won't." So I went to the mall and was walking into the mall and was almost to the store and I forgot my memory stick in my car.. again.. ughhhh finally printed everything off and headed back to the bus stop.. I forgot my memory stick at the store... along with my jacket. really jenee? not that I really needed them, thank goodness the weather had gotten warmer, but still.. I just about forgot everything. Anyways turned that ho in and said peace! Thank goodness. Then went and ate lunch with Daddy :] and ran a couple of errands and went home and took me another nice longg nap :] then i WAS going to go workout but I couldn' get the motivation to do so and Barbara and David were going to look at houses so I went with them ha. So we went and looked at houses and then went to eat at the new Caprock Cafe on 82nd and Slide. It's pretty nice, smoke-free :] and then I came home and debated for 2 hours if I wanted to go out or not and finally decided to do so.. So met up with Frazier at the Piano Bar and had a couple of beers (okay three) and then right before I left, had a shot. And that's it. I lead an exciting life :]

Nothing's new as far as moving next fall. I was going to work on the application today but Miss Taylor is sick so I'm going to work for her since she's working for me tmw.. But I do have tmw off so I'm planning on working on it then. I did decide though that if I don't have the GPA to get in that certain major after this semester then my ONE class next semester should bring it up and I should get in after that but even if for some reason, it doesn't then I'm still going to move. I can still get into the school, just not be able to major in that yet and take other classes that I can take and just get settled in, find a job and all that jazz. I'm going to move no matter what. (Or I really want to) But here pretty soon I'll be taking a couple of trips down there to visit the school and then later to find an apt and all that. I'm excited :] It's pretty much all I can think about haha.

So Holly and I have been talking about getting another tattoo for the longest time and we have the dove/sparrow thing we already want.. and a friend of my facebook put this bible verse as her status one day and I just love it : Psalms 46:5 - God is within her, she will not fall

Ahh. I love it. So I want that tattoo with "Psalms 46:5" around it somewhere and maybe even with the "God is within her, she will not fall" also. And if I wanted to do a "bigger" tattoo then add some flowers in the back of it or something. Idk. I gotta draw it all out and see :] Exciting.

I still want my nose pierced! And we almost came close to getting it done but then I backed out. I kinda want to do it when I achieve one of my goals.. like getting accepted into TWU or finding somewhere to live in Denton or even just moving down there. We'll see :]

I bought the new Taylor Swift CD yesterday and it's realllllllly good, I very highly recommend it :] and I bought some SWEET shades. Aviator-types. I lost my black ones that I've had foreverrrr and so I've been looking around for some and couldn't find any that looked cute on me and weren't expensive. But these were $5.99 (Target!) and I really do like them. I'm thinking about going to buy like two more pairs in case I lose these or they get scratched up real bad like my black ones did. Hmm.

On the way home yesterday the clouds were pretty crazy and since my poor self doesn't have a digital camera I took some with my iphone. But anyways, they were reallllllly low like literally looked like they were touching the ground and then the sun was coming out above them. It was pretty cool. That's what I love about living alittle further out, on the way home you get to see some sweet sunsets/clouds.

i was tagged :]

8 Shows I Love to Watch:
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Private Practice
3. Desperate Housewifes
4. The Hills
5. The Golden Girls
6. E! True Hollywood Story
7. Reba
8. Jeff Dunham/Dane Cook

8 Restaurants I Love:
1. Lujan's
2. Texas Roadhouse
3. Chevy's
4. Durango's
5. Every restaurant we went to in California
6. Quizno's
7. Subway
8. Freebirds

8 Things That Happened Today:
1. I woke up
2. I texted Zach back
3. I texted Austin back
4. I peed
5. Checked my facebook
6. Checked my myspace
7. Started watching a movie
8. This

8 Things I am looking forward To
1. Christmas
2. Getting back in shape
3. applying to and visiting Texas Woman's University
4. moving =D
5. Getting my car paid off.
6. For Austin and mine's trip to NM :]
7. church on Sunday
8. the future :]

8 Things On My Wish List:
1. one thing I won't ever tell.. unless it does happen of course
2. in the ear hearing aids instead of the behind the ear
3. nose pierced
4. to get into TWU and mooooooove
5. to be 21
6. more songs on my iphone
7. another tattoo
8. a brand new tahoe! with no payments!

8 Things I Would do if i Won theLottery:
1. pay off my car and buy me a new tahoe
2. give some to Holly for her loans
3. give some to Jaryd
4. give some to Barbara and David
5. SHOPPING
6. save for grad school (maybe)
7. save for the future so my kids can have inheritance money
8. travel

8 People I tag to do this on their blog:
1. Sarah
i dont have any other blog friends :[ haha

cash it all in, give it all up

So I specifically came the library just to update this thing. Pah-the-tic. Oh well :]

Let's see: My weekend = relaxing for the most part.

Friday: stayed home

Saturday: worked and then watched the HORRIBLE game, but it's okay I still love my Raiders :], and then went to Caleb's which Holley was having her 21st birthday party and it was just real chill with everybody drinking and talking and blah blah.

Sunday: WAS going to go to church but didn't make it :[ So Holly and I went to work out and then went home and "freshen-ed" up and went to eat with Barbara and David at Abuelo's (YUM!) and then went home and did NOTHING all day. Well, actually "nothing" consists of taking a shower (finally) and picking up where I left off in book #4 of the Left Behind series and watching the AMA's. It was nice :] Kylie laid in bed with me for some of the time and I got some pictures of her :]

oy, isn't she the cutest thing ever?!

So, me and my gay self went to look up a "bible verse of the day" and this is the bible verse of the day:

[Jesus said] "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."
— Mark 11:25 (NIV)

http://www.verseoftheday.com/

I guess it kind of hits home because after reading this I'm like, "oh crap." And you know when you say "oh crap" to a bible verse, you got some working to do. Then I debated on whether I should pretend I didn't go to this website and read this verse and go find another one that I would like better but surprisingly so, decided against it. :] Obviously in all "spiritual journeys" everybody wants to be "washed away" of their sins and I guess this is my first step... Forgiving those around me in order to be forgiven of my sins. The hardest thing though, I'm going to have to forgive those who have hurt me the most.. and the ones that have hurt me the most are the closest to me (or should be, but aren't sadly enough) and that's going to be hard but I guess in some way relieving. It starts with my parents. I have so much frustration against them. Why couldn't you grow up when you had kids and decide to be adults and make your kids your life? Why did you have to put me and Jaryd through a crappy childhood and make us go through the things that we had to go through? Why did Jaryd and I have to be the adults? Why are you STILL getting your life on track when Jaryd and I are basically almost there? Jaryd and I bought our car/truck in high school and Jaryd bought a HOUSE when he was 21.. a HOUSE, b.o.u.g.h.t. a house, that's amazing and I'm SO proud of him for that because that's more than what most under the age of 30 can say. He's got the smartest head on his shoulder and I'm just shocked with how he turned out to be. He's got an amazing girlfriend who I have come to love and adore and just couldn't see her not around. I'm in college and yeah it's taken me 3 years to finally decide what I want to do but now I've finally figured it out and I've set goals on wanting to move to a school that offers more for my major. I know that both of y'all are proud of both of us and Dad likes to brag, "My daughter goes to Texas Tech" in the most arrogant voice ever to show off.... but did you help me get there? No. There's no room for bragging rights. -But you know what? I'm glad that they're more proud than discouraging of us.. But please, please, don't sit there and tell me what Jaryd and I should and shouldn't do. It frustrates me more than anything you could ever possibly imagine. And I imagine, by this point, you can see that we've been doing good without it. I do know that parents try to help and give advice on whether we should do this or not and I get that, but the only way we're going to learn is to experience it. - As you can see, they're going to be the hardest people to forgive haha. I just know that when I get married and have kids, my husband and my kids are going to be my entire world and I will do everything that I know to do to give my kids the kind of life they deserve and the kind of parents they deserve. I know things happen, parents get divorced and etc, but I will do the best I can with what I have. The next people on my list are the ones that have come into my life and tried to bring me down and hurt me and ruined my trust. I guess the next step from here is to write a personal list of who all I need to forgive.

Another thought just came to my mind, "why can't God just forgive me even if I don't forgive others?" My interpretation would be that God doesn't want us to have any more bitterness in our hearts and wants the "plate swiped clean" so that we can really work on our relationship with him and shift all of our focus on Him and getting forgived of our own sins and not have any distractions.

Don't form the wrong idea of my parents, they did do the best they could when they could and I did have a good childhood, HUGE thanks to Barbara and David who welcomed me into their home and made sure that I had everything I needed and raised me in the best way they knew how to. But it still would've been nice to have my parents there. But everything happens for a reason and I honestly would not have changed anything, I am who I am because of it. But those questions that I said were just questions to get my point across, not to lash out or make anyone feel downgraded. So don't get me wrong. :]

In response to Holly's comment on my last post as far as Baylor goes and the tuition: I can use my deaf tuition waiver anywhere in Texas at any public school so I technically won't be paying for it :]

And I'm thinking I'm going to go visit both schools, probably take a week off or so and drive down there and go visit both schools; "kill two birds with one stone" right?

I'm gna go workout! 3rd day in a row! Go me!

coming to kiss the feet of mercy

Home on a Friday night? Seriously Jenee? You're in college. And it's game weekend.
"But, but... I'd much rather go home and update my blog!"


Not too much of an eventful day.. kinda, but kinda not.

Found out for sure if TCU accepts the deaf tuition waiver and........ they don't :[
SO I called TWU (Texas Women's University) and they DO! And then looked at Baylor's and Stephen F. Austin's website to "get a feel" and I don't like the feel of SFA's... maybe because its not too far from Austin and I'm not a fan of Austin? Don't ask why because I don't know myself. But Baylor's website was pretty good, but idk about Waco... isn't it kinda ugly/old there? I've never been there but that's just what I'm assuming haha.. But the campus looks pretty... Who am I kidding.. Lubbock is just as ugly. Although, we do have some of the best sunrises/sunsets evverrrrrr. Anyways, so next week I'll be working more on looking into either TWU & Baylor. Whoo!
I told Jessica tonight that I was looking into (and more than likely going to, although it's not set in stone but is "written in sharpie" <--her words ha!) going somewhere else in the fall since we were planning on getting an apt/place together in May and that was kind of hard. Kinda sucks when you plan something for so long and then have to tell the other person that plans may change/not work out. She was sad but understands :] Love that girl.

Barbara got a screw put up in her hole she had in her mouth; she had to pull a tooth not too long ago because it was causing her problems blah blah blah and so she's going to get a false tooth and all that so they had to put a screw up in there and ughhhhhh so gross. It's literally a screw.. you can see the "+" thing on the outside, you know, if you were to actually unscrew it you could use that tool thing (that I can't think of the name) to unscrew it. Ughhhhh. Sorry for the vivid images that are going through your head now :] haha! But obviously, she's not feeling too well :[



Okay "deep thoughts" for the day:
I don't usually talk religion much because I go through such different phases when it comes to it and from past experiences I've kinda just learned to just not say anything bc when I do state how I feel, I always get literally rammed about it and it's turned me off/away from it. But anyways, for as long as I can remember, I've always been "ehh" about church and for the most part was turned off by it because all I saw was fake-ness and I, like everyone else I'm sure, can't stand it so I just never really wanted to learn anything about it or want anything to have to do with it. Plus, I was at the age where my hearing wasn't all that well (still isn't! ha), I had the whole hearing aid thing down but didn't really know how to depend on them as well as I do now I guess and I depended ALOT on interpreters whereas now I don't use them hardly ever so to me it was just like in one ear and out the other or just really just like one of those things where you hear it but can't make out the words/understand it. I dunna. But then as I got older and more independent from the interpreters, I would go, but I was forced to go.. and that's the WORST. And that's when I started seeing all the fake-ness. I was living with Dad and AnnaRuth and when we went to church, everything was just dandy and perfect and we led the perfect combined family life. Bullcrap. As soon as we got to the car/home, it was completely different. They weren't in front of their friends anymore so they didn't have to put up a front anymore and pretend to be perfect and they just let us have it.. or well, particularly the kids more than I. But I mean, to me it was like okay everyone comes to church and plasters on magazine smiles and be fake and then after church and for the rest of the week bring on the grumpy-ness. So anyways, all throughout high school that was my reason for being turned off by it. And then I started college and I still felt the same way because I was meeting people who were the exact same way. Or well, really more like fake at church and "pretend" that they lived life according to God but then go home and talk about how they got drunk the night before church and had sex with some random guy... and thats the 23408098 time that has happened this year. I'm not saying I'm perfect AT ALL because I'm FAR from it. I've been one of those girls once, minus the random guy part. But aside from all that, I'm in college and I guess I feel/felt like God can come later, right now I'm going to focus on being crazy and wild and living up to the well known motto "you're only young once." So I never had the desire to learn about God or anything to do with that whole thing until I met this guy who in all honesty just turned my world upside down, but that's a whole other story. But he was real religious with an emphasis on the 'real' (meaning he wasn't fake about it) and would talk to me about mainly about the rapture/book of revelations and for the first time ever in my life, somebody talked me about it and told me about it just to talk about it, just because he wanted to, and not because he was preaching to me or trying to shove it down my throat which is all I heard all my life. So that sparked my interest in it and I started going to church and becoming more interested and reading The Left Behind series and all that stuff and I was really starting to get into it and was actually excited about it because I was doing it on my own free will and wasn't because somebody told me I had to but because somebody just simply talked to me about it without shoving it down my throat.. So that was going on and then everybody started coming back to Lubbock for school and so the partying started up again and I got back into all that stuff and then somehow along the way I got back into my phase of "you're only young once" and just lost track. And then I kind of started started thinking and it got to the point to where it was like my head was having a hard time wrapping around the fact that there is a God.. I was going with science, I can't see him or feel him.. I was losing faith and forgetting what faith was and was once again, turned away from it. But am finally coming back to my senses and just really wanting to start that all up again and be serious about it this time and just learn to let go and have faith. I've built a wall around my heart and I don't trust anybody and I have the hardest time just letting go. And that's going to be the hardest thing to learn for me. Another hard thing is balancing that and a "normal, college social life." And learning everything there is to know about God and finding what I like best/what I don't like and finding a place that's comfortable. I'm not saying go crazy but at least have that medium and be stable so that when it comes down to it, I know I'm safe, I have God on my side. But anyways. That's what I'll be working on and learning to stick with it and not let others influence me and be strong. When it comes to letting others influence me and letting their thoughts about certain things influence me, I'm the weakest. I always go with what they do. But I've been learning what I like/don't like and learning to be strong for myself in that sense and know that others have their beliefs/thoughts and I may or may not agree but that shouldn't change things.. we're all going to have different thoughts/beliefs. But anyways. That's that. I had to get all that off my chest because it's all I've been thinking about today. Well, mostly.

There's a girl in Lubbock that I went to hs with for a bit that committed suicide, Kylie Ford. I didn't know her all that well, but I remember I was hanging out with Colt and we went to some girl's house and Kylie was there and we were just all hanging out and we just briefly talked here and there that night and then just saw each other around but never talked. But anyways, I kept seeing "RIP Kylie Ford" all over facebook and myspace and KNEW the name sounded SO familiar but couldn't put a face to it and couldn't find a myspace/facebook and asked Chrissy who she was and what happened and she told me that had committed suicide and all that. So today I was looking through facebook newsfeed and "Kylie Ford" grabbed my eye and it was a group/event thing and it had her pictures all over and it was like oommgg I knew her. Just the saddest thing ever. I just can't ever imagine being troubled enough to want to kill myself. Just blows my mind. But anyways, it's just really sad. Can you imagine having a baby in your stomach for 9 months and giving life to a human that is your son/daughter, your blood and flesh, and devoting your whole life to him/her and love him/her unconditionally, more than words can say, and then just one day, it's all gone because they took their own life. Unbelieveable. Probably THE most selfish thing you can do. I hate to say that, I really do, but it really is. I've tried to see it from different angles as to how it couldn't be a selfish thing, but it really is. Someone gave life to you, devoted their whole life to you; friends and family who think the world of you; an unknown, exciting future ahead of you and just rob not only yourself but all those around you of that. Anyways. I probably pissed a few people off with that. Ah well.


I'm glad I started this thing, I've apparently got a lot to say haha. Always have though. And it helps to "get it out."

But that's enough "getting it out" for one day/night.

open your future to unseen possibilities

Um. What am I doing? Don't I have better things to do with my time?

Uh, no.



I guess I'll go ahead and begin with how my "awesome" day is going.

After waking up an hour late, I still had enough time to do whatever it is I did with this mop of a head hair thing, put make up and clothes on, but not able to shower (grosssss!! good thing we didn't work out too hard last night - everything happens for a reason right?) and barely making it to the bus stop which consists of having enough time to get out of my car, walk to the bus stop (which is only like 20 feet away mind you) and being able to check and reply to a text message and then watch (actually hear, my hearing skills are excellent, we all know!) the bus roll up very loudly and deal with a "miss-priss" the entire way, who is probably a sorostitute, look at my outfit up and down probably about 35 times.. note to her: "Yes, I'm wearing tennis shoes and not heels to school today! and YES my hair looks like a mop and YES I'm wearing glasses to cover up the fact that I didn't want to do my eye makeup and YES.... you're a bitch. thanks." - the walk to my first class was dreadful; the wind was blowing against me the entire way and then when I get to class......................... it's cancelled. Do we not believe in e-mails now??!?!?!?! Although I do secretly get excited that when I go to class, it's cancelled but really, it frustrates me because I have to drive 20-30 minutes just to get to the bus stop and I could've slept more! AND I had to deal with miss priss. AND the wind AND the cold. Anyways after my 30 second silent-in-the-head-bitch-fit I proceeded to the library to waste time, sit down for about 2 minutes or so and have a cough attack. Are you kidding me? So I ever so smoothly "packed up my stuff" and walked out of the closest door and proceeded to cough my brains out and have another 30 second silent-in-the-head-bitch-fit and then decide to treat myself to a nice, warm white chocolate mocha, which tastes like the marshmallows in LuckyCharms - DELISH! - finally calm at this point - go to my 2nd class and decide that I'll catch up on the news and blah blah blah and started getting everything ready for my next class, only to realize that stupid me forgot to make copies of the paper for the other group members.. so this consists of another trip to the library to make copies... alright, so this is the part where I find out that I'm copy-machine-retarded. I was putting the paper that I wanted copied at the wrong angle so it was printing off wrong and I ran out of money on my card and didn't notice how the pages were being printed off until this point. Of course I didn't think I was doing anything wrong so I figured somebody messed with the settings on the copier so put more money in my card and went to another copy machine and it did the same thing!!!!! Finally it clicks in my head that I was putting the paper wrong. So I had to start over. But do I have enough money on my card? Nope. Now, I had already put the only 1's that I had into it and I wasn't about to put $20 on there... so I ask the foreign lady at the desk for change. "no change. must go to sub" (imagine that in a foreign lanuage, annnnooyyyyinnnnggg. choke the chicken!) Class has already started at this point. So I walk the whole 50 yards to the sub from the library to get change and finally make the copies right and am 20 minutes late to class. I hate that. Then we had to do a teacher evaluation. Gay. Well I decide to leave bc I'm frustrated enough and my teacher's like uhhh.. So I make up a gay excuse that I'm sick and the wind is bothering me and walk away. Peace! And that's what lead me to the library to start up this wonderful blog to vent :] Now, maybe Holly can finally find some peace from her phone from me texting her 7643211 times a day... just to vent... about stupid stuff... "the freaking sky is BLUE today!!?! Why is it BLUE?! Why can't it be YELLOW?!" <-- that kind of stupid stuff. - Ahh hmm... ANYWAYS. Other than that, I really do lead a happy life. I promise.

And things are finally starting to look up - I've finally decided that I'm going to major in Deaf Education (if I change my mind, slap me.. HARD!) but Tech doesn't really offer anything to do with that (well, very little at least) SO I was thinking about transferring to Gallaudet in Washington, DC. [Fact: Exactly 1.722 miles away, takes 1 day and 2 hours to get there] Problem: it's ONLY about $20,000 a SEMESTER. hmm. So after talking to Barbara and her reminding me how LUCKY I am that I don't have to pay for my tuition or anything, I started thinking, "Do I really want to be about 100,000+ in debt when I start my life/career? No thanks." (huge props to those of you who are having to do that!) SO I'm now looking at places in Texas - one being TCU in Ft. Worth, but I've got to first find out if they even do accept the deaf tuition waiver with it being a private school and all. So that's my first step. If that school doesn't work out then theres the other options of Baylor, Stephen F. Austin, and Texas Women's University. All outside of Lubbock, thank the LODE! So I'm getting excited about all that. And that's what I'll be working on today when I get home... after getting my nails done (maybe?) :]

So before posting this, I was playing around on the internet and went to read my horoscope for November and this is what it said: (silly parts taken out)
"Cosmic waves rattle your home, shake the foundations of your life and open your future to unseen possibilities. As great as these changes may be, they won't happen overnight. In fact, it may be well into next year before you fully understand where your life is leading you. Responsibilities that were acceptable only a short time ago now prevent you from being true to yourself. The Sun shines light on this conflict as it sextiles Jupiter and Saturn, and trines Uranus on November 10-11. The Full Moon on November 13 is even more significant because Jupiter sextiles Uranus, opening a door to new relationships while revitalizing old ones."

love it, and so true (don't worry, i'm not a follower, i just think they're interesting)

"...open your future to unseen possibilities. As great as these changes may be, they won't happen overnight. In fact, it may be well into next year before you fully understand where your life is leading you." that part is true because lately i've sparked a huge interest in other possibilities rather than staying in lubbock, going to tech, and staying at the candy wrapper. and as much as I want them to happen overnight because I want to know what the future (as far as that part goes at least) entails right now it's not going to, it all takes time and patience and then everything will fall into place :] and as far as it saying "it may be well into next year before you fulling understand where your life is leading you" -i've been planning on taking a mild break from school (only taking one or two classes) to figure what I'm going to do and all that jazz. and its next year ;] "Responsibilities that were acceptable only a short time ago now prevent you from being true to yourself." I apply that to the part of being at the candy wrapper. I really do like the job but it's held me down and held me from going to experience other jobs and doing other things and getting away from the "family business" and away from the luxury of getting away with things because my aunt is my boss. That job was like my responsibility (just like any other job, I understand) but I'm held down and stuck. And that's going to hopefully change soon :]


But anyways. I think that's good for one day. Whew.